BankAccounts & Dreams

It seems inevitable that each month, or every week, I wonder how I'll pay these bills that come with living the way I do. It seems like just living, though I suppose I could go out to the woods and eschew all modern-day efforts at civilization and society. I'd probably be less stressed. Then again, maybe I'd be stressed about catching food and clean water.
I must laugh and figure it'll work out. I can't let it dominate me. Though when considering graduate schools, I feel a little frivolous when I consider that I'll be getting further into the fine arts without a clear career path or option. This worries me because I feel I should pursue something that leads me to a somewhat secure job option after graduation. I don't really want to put myself in this position of wondering about money basics again. And, I feel in my makeup that I'd like a lifestyle with a little more structure than I've got. I think it'd do me well.
What does this mean, however, in terms of studying? It's been my dream to go to PAFA, so I believe I will. I feel overwhelmed when I consider entering graphic design, or all these other things I feel are beyond my grasp. I'm thinking: take other classes in design while I'm at school to see if that's what I'd like to do as well. Then I can also always teach or do the museum thing. But the point is: I want my studies to be in a more structured way.
I feel I'm taking steps backward in realizing this, and that I'm somewhat abandoning my creating. It doesn't mean I abandon it, and, if it's not fulfilling still, then I should move on without looking back. And if I want to do it in the future, then I can. And maybe this more structured job, whatever I find out it to be, will fulfill my need for structure and creativity in the arts. *sigh* I just don't know exactly what this means, and I'm a little impatient to find a more lucrative way of living so as to more fully enjoy: living.
My parents say I'll be fine, monetarily, based on things they've set up. And I do appreciate that, no doubt at all I am very fortunate. But I also want something that is my own, and to know I can take care of myself by myself if need be, and to build something that is mine.
That is all.
Now, on to the weekend of Voodoo.

Corn Chowder & The MultiColoredLighteningBikeRide

You should never give everything of yourself away.
Somethings should be kept sacred.

I was thinking earlier, getting overwhelmed with school decisions and doubting my choice and whether I'd be able to support myself more easily at the end, and if any of this would be worth it, and also, should I continue to make art. What a silly last question to end with. Seriously?
Oh brain. Please stick to reasonable questioning.
Not that I am roped into being anything or doing anything, but to doubt a serious love and way of life just because I'm not sure how lucrative it will be or how much others will need it or how it will turn out? How will anything turn out?
If I want to paint, I will paint.
If I want to photograph, I will photograph.
If I want to make sweet designs for products, then I freaking will.
And that's it.
I don't have to worry about the hows and why right now. That will come.
All I need to know is that I want to do it, and I can do it.
I will be okay, as well. More than. And I'll have lots of fun journeying along as well. I have awesome friends and times and things to do other than just a job or contribution, though those things are also worthy. However, I don't have to reevaluate my life purpose as a result. Jesus.

Tonight was romantic, as she commented after the fact. I was suprised to realize the fact. I wasn't expecting romance. At most, I hoped for a less-than awkward interaction.

It was one of those unexpected times that turn into a moment. The dripping shadowy trees, dark shiny streets slickened with rain, lightening flashing through the leaves and branches and moss, and the squares' lamplights glowing around the people and asian bikeriders as we looped around them and and turned to each other and looked and talked and laughed and smiled a little too. Oh, it was so fun and nice. Talking and discussing and following the meandering words and street and time slipping like sand until we left each other and it suddenly became a sandbag tossed out the window...falling away from memory now instead of being created.

For some reason, I assume he's why it's not awkward. But then again, I have impact on that situation as well. Maybe he's better versed at being at ease with himself. Or maybe I am too. Whatever it is, it is very nice.

My heart hesitantly floats on tethers.

Sunday Times

Jobs. I want one, or two, that fulfill my bank account needs without me feeling like I don't have a life otherwise. I wonder what I am doing wrong. I work hard. I'm intelligent. I'm personable. I don't understand how I can't live well with what I make now. I don't begrudge my lifestyle or way of living. I don't think I am frivolous or unreasonable with my money, most times. I suppose eventually it will fall into place.

I thought last night that my thinking upon him was just wanting the idea of a relationship, but not him?
I'm not sure when the questioning stops. I'm not sure when I just accept things as they are instead of inventing meanings and reasons and whys and whynots.

School is exhausting me. I have to remember it's not forever.

I have painting to do, but I just feel like reading myself out of reality. Reality should be good. I feel jaded. My brain is clouded with worries: money, school, future, doing things. Like Radcliffe said, I just want to relax and think. And have fun with my friends. Oh, and be relatively comfortable.

Those are the negatives. For the positives: the smell of freshly-made coffee wafting about; bright flowers in greenness; piercing sunlight; strangers saying hello; dogs' love; sauteed garlic; an unexpected smile; access to music that fills my ears; and cleanliness. Being warm in bed on a cold fall night. The smell of shampooed hair.

That is all for now.