Windshield Bird Poop, With Sardines

Goddamnit, I am one foolish and awkward human being, considering the tail-end of the day.
I don't know how I managed it, but:
-Sat on the beach RIGHT next to hot guy I met Saturday. A normal human would say hi or acknowledge his presence. No, I went in to full stalker mode and didn't say anything. Why? I was too shy? So I come off creepy? This is why I don't try to flirt or begin things with people. Jesus Christ.  In my defense, he was teaching a lesson to someone, and I didn't want to interupt. However, still awkward and weird at the end. Fuck me.
-Went running around the park really fast to try to banish said embarrassment. Instead, almost threw up,  and then my face almost ate it on the sidewalk cobblestone at a red light with the people in the cars just watching me.
Jesus. I don't really know what to do. I don't care about the almost falling part, but now I realize that I am becoming more "seen," as my artwork is in the cultural magazine across town, and I also am curating a show which is on facebook. So I'm not exactly apart of the woodwork. And, I neglected to realize it's Savannah that I'm living in, and everyone knows everyone, and I've since quickly realized that this hot guy, to whom I appear a stalker, is friends with my friends. Awesome. Multiple friends. In a normal city, I'd just say fuck it and forget eventually. Odds are, though, I will see him again. Sooner than later. I'd like to not think about it until then, but, fuck, what am I to do to turn around the stalker image he must have of me? Just act real cool and nonchalant? Christ. Christchrist.
I always knew I wasn't cool. Shoot. There I am.
I just wanted the possibility of seeing him again. And maybe having some balls and talking to him. I guess the moment passed, on Saturday, and I shouldn't have tried to recreate it so closely to him.
But fuck the thinking ahead so much! I just wanted to go to the beach. And then I went to the exact spot I saw him. I guess I didn't think he'd for sure be there, and I could play it cool. Argh. I was so uncool. to the max.
I wanted to try to take control and be powerful in relationship interaction. I failed? Or I took a step and tripped. It happens. Just wish I didn't have to confront those who saw me eat it. Again. Ah, humanity. I blame it on a brain skippage. That is all. I really try to be A+. Life just shakes me up.

And, to relate back to the title, I rolled down my window as I left the beach. A bird had pooped partially digested sardines on my window. I rolled up my window.

I want to pay more money.

So...got the mortage statement in the mail today...oh, and it's 100 dollars more a month. AWESOME!!!
Seriously? wtf. How can you do that? I try to come up with some sort of spending allowance, which i already have problems maintaining, and then this? Serious?
Well, whatever.
I try to simplify, paying off my car loan, saving, investing, living within my means and trying to conserve energy, but apparently I still fail. Wacawaca, what can you do. Thus is a theme of life, money and its bastardness, but it is not life.
Things I like about life:
Painting
Creating
Helping things grow and being in moist dirt with feet
Washing the nice dog
New and lovely music
Exertion
Flirting
Yummy foods
Cold Pale Ales
Sun tans and bathing suits
Good books and profound thoughts
Crosswords
Running
Lemonade
Gatorade
Selling paintings
Friends that stay around forevers
Sleeping with no alarm set
Rainy summer afternoons
Mad Men

Oh, you know...life.

Tonight I researched outdoor jobs. I am wanting to move, somewhere. I've got that itch. I don't think it leaves, and I think ignoring it becomes a large part of my depression, when it appears.
I feel torn, wanting stability and also wanting to run far, far away from that and be free to do and be whatever in the hell I desire. I want to be something/one signifcant and do things that are good, but I have so many things! Shoo, boi.
I mean, I be applying to grad school, then I'm researching travel and whatnot, and what do I intend to do with that? Everyone knows once you go to grad school, that is the plain end of adventuring. You get your job and then you retire to that lifestyle.
Heck, though.
I want to frolick through the woods and across this earth.
I also want a home to return to and belong to.
I want to make awesome awesome amazing art.
I want to help the little childrens see how awesome they and life are.
I don't want to be tied down to one place. I don't want to be roped into anything.
I want to be out west. I want to be in an unstable place. I want to wander. I want to climb mountains. I want to meet others who are brave enough to do the same and embrace the chaos of life.

We'll see.

gratefulbabies

the music was quite right.
melancholy...ish.
friends keep it from getting too crazy in my head.

i did well not to think too much upon the situation at the other table, and how i wanted him to see me and my heart and not think it was hurt. true friends are the best. ones you can count on. he did come back around to give me a high five, but when she wasn't there. i don't know how i feel about that. i do feel she's not too fond of me, or jealous. i don't know why when she's got him, in her pocket. i feel a sadness in between us, but that could be a projection of mine. i suppose i would say that, despite that, i am happy for those who find happiness with each other. except for those some small feelings of drips of honey in the bottom of the heart, pooling around, as if waiting to be realized and used and utilized.

but there are prospects and hopefulness, and i'm not always sure why, but i'm looking forward to now.

Mumming the Suns

The longing that came with the music as it swarmed my head, staring out the car windows at steely rocks and trees and green drippingness, and then also the red baked desert and flaming canyon walls and clouds floating above, supported by the horizon in the distance. Dreaming as the dreams around inspired: of impossibilities evidenced by the landscape surrounding, imbibing my brain with unreal expectations that were fulfilled but for a few days...and once back to the unglazed reality with cities and smog and humid sogginess and absent mountains...there the glass shattered, there the realized dreams were strangled, snuffed, shattered.
I stared at them with eyes absent of emotion. I had expected such, but a few minutes and moments had led me to believe that my expectations were perhaps harsh projections...that needn't be.
I thought.

And I think of one that drifted back to me, hovering like a hazy cloud of smoke over me, looking down, telling me of my soft skin and how I coudn't be a bad teacher, gazing me with eyes of turquoise, something wise as the rocks floating behind them.

Instead of finding enamorment with the eyes, I pine for one who only flirts about, flittingly calling my name among the tall trees, and then disappearing. I still hear his echoing distant voice calling my name. And then. Just laughter at my folly, to believe the impish glint in his eye. I'd mistaken the mischevious for admiration of a character.
My heart burns with longing. What for? Surely not these boys which burn and disappoint.

A heart and its love intrigues, and as it confounds, I am still filled with hope and longing for its future.

Boys:LesbianHair

Why did I cut my hair? To exacerbate boy problems?? Holy Christ. The exact words were "that's so gay." In relation to my hair. It really hurt my feelings. Maybe I'm taking it too seriously. And, I shouldn't care. I suppose I feel it's a mischaracterization/misunderstanding of my character.

Well, what are you gonna do? It's gone. It will grow. And...it doesn't really matter.
But these are the things I occupy my thoughts with. And him and how he doesn't like me. Why am I so crushed about that? Cause everyone else seems to get it, and he doesn't?

I want to just love life and skip and be content to look at the sun. I should think about how that other guy just thanked me for being so chill and great. And the other one told me I had soft skin.

I lament about the other, still. I suppose sleep wouldn't hurt my state of mind.

Lovers & Denial

I'm trying to fill my thoughts with things other than what this music incites: Lovers Dark Light.

Sometimes, try as I might, I cannot escape my romance.

I like that part of me, but it doesn't always make daily brain activity and physical function the easiest. When you're playing out in your mind how this newnewcrush will fall for you and ask you to go surfing with the sharks.

An old lover introduced me to these new musicians. The only lover I sometimes think I've ever had.

Well, it's all love in the end.